Lieutenant Luggage

so I’m on the plane to atl a few weeks back and I’m trying to be a gentleman so I help this young Indian chick put her bag in the overhead bin. I get it up there but the bags kind of enormous and part of her shit is sticking out. I leave it, because there’s a gang of people behind us and I don’t wanna hold things up. well one of the flight attendants gets on the mike and starts riffing, “whoever has their bag up above 15A needs to fix it now or we will be checking it, I repeat 15 alpha needs to fix their bag, the black bag. we will check your bag if you do not fix it immediately.” this motherfuckers barking like there’s a bomb in that bitch.

the problem is, there’s a gang of people coming down the aisle, so it’s hard to walk up the aisle and fix the bag, so the little Hindu chick hollers at another flight attendant about checking her bag, she’ll pick it up at the terminal, no biggy. meanwhile this red-faced middle aged cunt of a woman is sitting across the aisle from me starts talking a gang of shit, she’s got her husband riding bitch with a lap dog under his seat. she’s saying how it’s bullshit that the Indian chick gets to check her bag without having to pay the 20 dollar fee like everybody else, like she’s lieutenant luggage or some-shit. fuck her. if there’s one thing I hate, it’s motherfucking couples who fly together and the big one sits in the middle. if you’re flying with your girl put her in the middle, it makes more sense. otherwise you’re just being a dick to the other passengers. this motherfucker was big as shit all squeezed in the middle seat with a fucking lap dog while his cunt wife sat there holding court about some shit that didn’t concern her.

it finally clears up, the red faced bitch is still mumbling shit about the fucking bag and the male flight attendant who was talking all tough on the intercom comes down, rearranges the bags and gets shit to fit. problem solved. not quite. this dude starts talking all slick to the Indian chick about how she needs to learn how to put up bags.

I hop in and say, “she didn’t do it, I did.”

he tells me I need to learn how to put luggage in the bin.

I tell him, “that’s your job. you’re the flight attendant.”

he walks away all agro and shit. I’m pissed. now I’m just talking, I’m like, “what the fuck is his problem talking to me like I’m a fucking 5th grader and shit. like I’m a child. he’s the fucking stewardess, he needs to know how to stack bags, not me, talking to me like I’m a fucking gerbil, he must be out his mind.”

the Hindu ain’t saying shit, she’s spooked. poor girl was willing to check her bag, now she’s got two dudes arguing over it. so I turn to this other lady I had met before the flight she’s sitting behind the red faced cunt. she’s looking at me in amazement. I say, “can you believe this shit?”

the red face lady thinks I’m talking to her and announces for the whole cabin, “Don’t look at me, my brothers a pilot, so I’m on their side.”

I said, “I wasn’t looking at you, I’m talking to the woman behind you. mind your business.”

she shuts up.

now I’m sitting here steaming, thinking to myself this bitch has got a lot of nerve, so I say, “damn we’re not even off the ground and you’re claiming your brother’s a pilot. you couldn’t wait to tell people that huh? congratulations, your brother’s a pilot. that don’t mean shit. if you’re brother’s a pilot why you back here wit us? how come you’re not sitting in first class?”

she don’t say shit. she gets on her phone and tries to call her brother, to banish me from United, I imagine. her husband’s pissed, he leans over and tries to stare me down, be intimidating, but we’re on a plane and he’s riding bitch with a corgi between his legs.